- 7 -

"I need to keep going"

I'm still not going to make publicity of this blog, because it's more important for me to keep stuff in one place than having the numbers in here. also I won't always write about super great and nice stuff (as you can read on entry -6- ) but meh... I need to keep moving forward for my own sake.

I figured that I have made some public releases on Bluesky or NewGrounds that actually need sign in to view. I'm a bit slow, so I came to the late conclusion that I actually didn't release anything at all, haha. People who don't have access to those (very usefull actually) places, can't see my content if they're not signed in. Duuuuh.

So yeah, I will probably put the releases on this blog so you guys can see everything without having to make new accounts on tons of pages. Think of this as my website (I wish I had an actual website but I feel more comfortable with a blog, don't ask why).

Feel free to follow, to not, to check all my links, entries, social media. Or don't. If you got here and you don't know why, just, flow with it. It's your life and I'm just a numbnuts sharing my life, art and work with strangers from the internet who occasionally pay me to get juicy art~

Anyway Bye~

- 6 -

"Ended up in the Psych Ward. Again"

I'm just tired. It's not my first time going to the psych ward on an emergency for my mental problems. The other option is... Well, you should know without me explaining.

I've been "well" for a couple of years but lately and since my cat's death I've been getting worse and worse. I don't feel creative, I don't get much income, I can't concentrate enough to work through my tasks appropiately. I don't know, my life just doesn't work as it should and I've been growing more and more tired each and every day. So I just snapped the other day, had so much anxiety that my mind wanted to break everything in my room but my body wasn't able to respond (I think that's lucky, imagine breaking absolutely all you own on a fit). I was literally paralyzed, just laying on my bed unable to move while my brain was screaming and throwing nasty thoughts over and over again.

I finally started crying and screaming and scared my roomie, who came to hug me and be with me, and that brought a bit of clarity to my mind, so I decided to take a shower (I was really stinky) and go to the hospital to get checked by a psychiatrist. I must say, I've been waiting for one to check on me for MONTHS but mental health in my country is absolutely collapsed and cuttings on the budget gets worse and worse each year. So... yeah. I had to get to the point to wanting to end it all (again) to get someone to check up on me.

I hate being on meds. Anti-depressants make me foggy and I can't really think or even move. Hours pass by really fast and really slow at the same time and I can't concentrate or hold information inside my brain. I'm usually an overthinker and I want something that helps me think less to be able to work, but all meds I've been prescribed have done just a full shut down. I can't think at all!!

I don't want to do anything. I'm not hungry. I'm not sleepy. I don't want to read, or play games, or watch movies... I don't want to draw. I only have energy to sit down or lay down. I don't know what to do.

Why am I writing and sharing this? Because I can, I guess... To tell anyone who cares reading, that I'm not really okay but that I don't like not being okay. To tell someone who feels like me that they're not alone. To feel like someone who reads this and understands it is making me company so I don't feel alone. To do something. I don't know. I know probably no one cares.

And if you happen to care. Thank you.

Anyway Bye~